Nathalie Peron Column: On the Necessity of Being Nice

This column first appeared in the June 2016 issue of Life in Québec Magazine.

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Nathalie Peron Column: On the Necessity of Being Nice

By Nathalie Peron

This subject I am about to address has already been talked about (not enough, in my opinion) and will continue to cause concern for years, if not generations, to come. And if it doesn’t interest you, please read it anyway. Humour me.

I’m talking about civility. When I bring up civility with friends and acquaintances, I inevitably hear a monologue starting with, “You know what I don’t get that people in Québec do?” followed by very detailed accounts of what is wrong with said “people.” And this is coming from both native and naturalized Quebecers.

Civility is noticeably lacking in our everyday interactions with the world. This absence is growing, propelled by the frantic pace of daily life, the rise of social media (not civil media) and the transformation of how people perceive authority and their fellow citizens.

One reason for this erosion of good manners could be the culture of instant gratification. When we want something, we generally go and get it. We don’t take the time to save up or to step back and think. We must have it now. This behaviour is not only with the things we buy; it has expanded to the way we treat others. You, Colleague, I want to know now. No “Good day,” no “please,” no “Regards” or other form of politeness.

Are good manners a luxury we think we can’t afford? Do we really believe that the 10 seconds it will take to type out “Good day” or “Regards” will have such an impact on our schedules that we cut them out? To heck with being nice, I’ll leave that to the (rare) person who has time for it. Or is it that we so quickly become familiar with others that we talk to them as we would our closest friend? (Oh, and by the way, if you are my closest friend, I would still greatly appreciate some form of politeness when you write to me.)

Dr. P.M. Forni, a philosophy professor at Johns Hopkins University and the founder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, has written, “Formality is homage that intelligence pays to value.” If I believe you are worth it, I’ll respect you and I will show you this respect through formality.

But what does it take for you to be worth the bother?

Behaviour that was once confined to the high school years is now overtly present in universities, where the students are adults. Lack of punctuality, unpreparedness and disrespectful treatment of professors and staff are common. It is the same in the workplace; have you ever been to a meeting where people keep cutting each other off and after an hour nothing has moved along?

Flagrant disrespect for authority is a daily occurrence, so much so that we don’t even take notice anymore. Larger displays of such disrespect barely make the news. So who merits respect? And what does our behaviour say about what we think of people in positions of authority? If children are allowed to tell off the parent who says no, what kind of adults will we have leading our world in three or four decades?

And what about the consequences of an ill-mannered society — bad moods, stress, anxiety? These things slow personal, cultural and social growth. Good manners are conducive to good health. They help create and maintain relationships — you choose your friends and your friends choose you. And you choose people who are nice to you to be your friends. When you have a sufficient circle of friends, you have people who are there for you in times of need. And when they are in need, you in turn will help them. All this does wonders for your emotional and psychological health.

And it all starts with how you act toward others. So let someone pass you on the road. Slow down if you have to. You’ll make that person’s day and maybe, in turn, they will let someone else pass. Open doors for others, and say thank you when a door is opened for you. To the person who opens the door, if you don’t get thanked, don’t get mad. The person did not ask you to open the door and owes you nothing. You did it to be nice and nice you are.
Being nice is its own reward.

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