Ross Murray: A Handy Guide to Home Despair

By Ross Murray

As one of the top four seasons for home repairs, the fall is an excellent time of year to get things done, mostly because it is tinged with the desperate realization that you’ve procrastinated the summer away. And if ever there was a guide for desperation, this is it.

So there you are, all snazzy with your tape measure hanging on your belt like a real carpenter, staring at the ceiling, wondering if there’s a load-bearing beam behind it, and then wondering if it might possibly be a turn-on if you started making reference to your own “load-bearing beam.” What about “tongue-and-groove?”

Which brings us to the first point of home renovations: don’t get distracted. Pick a job, stick to it and stay focused until it’s – stud finder! “Put away that stud finder, honey, because here I am…!”

Equipment

But enough immaturity. Let’s start with your tools. (Haha! “Tools”…) There are only four essentials required for most home projects:

• A hammer
• A saw
• An all-purpose butter knife
• A neighbour with actual tools

The first step to any project, then, is to stay on good terms with your neighbour, something that takes long-term planning, and something you probably should have thought about before you drained your pool into his yard. If it turns out you have not planned ahead, you’ll be amazed at the versatility of that butter knife.

Organizing

As the saying goes, “Measure twice, cut once, curse often.” Making mistakes is part of the process in any project. After all, it’s not like you’re performing surgery. That job is reserved for the person who gets everything properly extracted after the unfortunate caulking gun accident.

“Eyeballing,” or as it’s sometimes called, “guesstimating,” or more commonly, “shoddy workmanship,” is what makes your project truly yours. Remember: there are no straight lines in nature. Sorry, wait: there are a lot of straight lines in nature. I meant to say there are no straight lines on that bookshelf you built. But it’s lovely, really.

Repairing

One of the easiest jobs you can undertake is filling cracks in your wall. Simply mix your powdered plaster of Paris with the recommended amount of water. Add more powder to achieve the right consistency. Then more water. A bit more powder. More water. More powder. Water. Powder. Water. Then apply the plaster of Paris to the cracked area. Smooth with butter knife. Dispose of the remaining two litres of plaster of Paris. Allow the plaster to set for three to four years before you get around to sanding it, which will turn out to be more difficult than anticipated because it was not, in fact, plaster of Paris but plaster of Sudbury.

Hiring labour

There comes a point when even the most avid DIYer must face his limitations and threats of divorce. That’s when you need to call in professional help.

The easiest way is to ask a friend to recommend a contractor. Then simply make a phone call. After you explain the job, the contractor will agree to come by to give an estimate. This can take three to four days or weeks or possibly never.

If your contractor does show up, allow several days, or again, possibly never for him to provide you with the estimate. Remember: your contractor is doing you a favour by letting you hire him. They are super-busy people who spend much of their time telling clients what super-busy people they are.

If your contractor does agree to let you hire him, be sure to set a firm time when he might possibly do the job. This job will be taking place at the same time as other jobs (super-busy!) so he may have to stop your job midstream, if and when it is started. Or again, there is the strong possibility of never, in which case you can decide to do the job yourself after all at considerable savings as well as heightened risk of harm to you, your structure and your marital status.

Happy renos! And remember: better half-assed than not assed at all.

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